i'm gonna write some real talk here and it might sound meh but i will write it anyway.
they say that, in life, you need a little bit of madness. i think i will never think it the same way again. i mean, there are times when you seem to be fighting for a lost cause. another day, another new low. people might laugh at you and question your dream. they might hate you. even YOU might do that to yourself. but the thing is, no matter what happened, be it shit storm hits and whatnot, as long as you are being true to what you believe (whatever it fucking means to you) and dearly hold on to it, then you're gonna be okay.
it seems bullshit, right? i mean, you might think, "are you mad? there's no way i'm gonna be okay. i have cracked my nerves thinking about this and i can't see any way out of it, there is NO way out of this. i mean, are you fucking mad?"
well at least that's how i thought about it, until my best friend, cecep, convinced me otherwise. he said to me that the problem isn't in the world or anyone, it's in me. my self-doubt is crippling me badly and at this point no one could really help me if i don't start helping myself. if i really, really hold on to what i believe in, i will find the way. i need to believe myself more. that's it (well, he actually talks way a lot more but that's the points i got. dude, thank you. thank you very much). i guess i finally ready to actually listen to it and think it through.
i will happily and proudly admit that i cried myself in bed just now. but it's not bad. well, things are quite bad, but at least i can see clearer now. that crippling self-doubt is still there, though. it already creeps back in me the second i arrived at home and it will takes time and bloody effort to break loose from it. turns out changes could sounds this much scary. but i'm all for it. i know what i should do. i know what i believe in. fuck you, i will make my dreams happen.
shit i was about to make it short but it turns out to be quite long. whatever. hit the bed now, night night.
-yogyakarta, 6 september 2017
