melamun, 3

nanti bila kau dengar: kau pun menjadi saksi daun-daun menghijau menguning. cemasmu yang meraba bayang di langit-langit kamar saat lampu dimatikan. dadamu yang menghirup udara asin di hadapan laut lepas sebelum segera merunut kembali dan menyadari: betapa fana, betapa sia-sia semua upaya berdamai dengan kesendirian.


namun yang dipandang bulat dengan mata keponakanku pun matamu juga. yang menemukan suara untuk yang tak fasih kau ungkapkan pun lagumu juga. yang tawar-menawar dan bersiasat dengan dunia yang serba tak masuk akal ini pun harapanmu juga. yang pada akhirnya terbisik dan pasrah pun doamu juga.


sebagaimana seluruh aku pun milikmu; nanti bila kau dengar ceritaku, aku harap kau tahu ini ceritamu juga.



-Yogyakarta, 26 Juni 2019

lyrics for a song about Genesis

i don't have names for these colors on the ceiling
but i know the storm's drawing near as anything else fading
casting long shadows, can you hear their voices?
the flood is rushing but i refuse to crack
eyes wide open, the world on my back

well how are you and your fear?
do you even remember why you're here?
the silence is deafening, but only then i can hear
the flood is calling but i refuse to disappear
stealing breaths before the plot begins to stir

the flood is calling
the flood is calling
the flood is calling

well does it matter if i tell you why?
do you still confuse the scar for a lie,
her hands for a home, words for an eye?
there is a river in my vein, so let the water remember
how we have been brave but to the flood we must surrender

the flood takes all but i got nothing left to lose


-Yogyakarta, 6 Mei 2019

The More Loving One

by WH Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.